No More Midriffs (Please!)

Okay listen up y'all. I'm back and I've got a plan. A plan for what, you ask? Well, that's a good question. I've got a plan to stop celebrities (and Lady Gaga) from wearing midriff bearing outfits. We need to show them the light. It doesn't look good. Nobody wants to see your midriff all out and freaky due to the fact that only the top part of your abs show, making you look like you've been through some kind of Tarareidal (Tara Reid-al) surgery. But words, I've decided, are useless because celebrities (and Lady Gaga) don't read. They are read to. And when people are read to, the words tend to get.. edited along the way. For example "Don't get out of your car without pants on" would become "FABULOUS! THEY WANT MORE OF YOUR GREY'S ANATOMY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!".

Anyway, back to my plan.

Part 1 of plan: Hold picket signs and have a little revolt of our own in front of these celebrities' homes or workplaces (yeah GaGa, i'm coming for you at the strip club)

Part 2 of plan: Make fat lookalikes of each celebrity wear the exact same midriff-bearing outfit that each one of these celebrities is wearing, and make them see how atrocious it truly is.

Part 3 of plan: Buy celebrities (and Lady Gaga) mirrors. Long ones.

30 Years Later...

...The Attack of the Frump.

Breaking News: A number of celebrities have been seem roaming the streets of America in peculiar outfits that many bystanders can only describe as "frumpy". Studies have concluded that something or somebody very dangerous is messing with these celebrities' heads and persuading them to leaving their homes dressed in outfits they would probably only wear 30 years in the future after checking out of rehab or a mental institute.

Granny isn't gonna be happy with this, Mandy. You know it's her sexy dress.

Ain't nothing right with that ♫

Uma Thurman is auditioning for the role of Glenn Close in the "Damages" spin-off "Damaged: Patty's Wardrobe"

I hate this look so much I want to put it in the same room as broccoli and set them on fire.

Darling, I Don't Think So.

Rihanna, I know that after a bad public breakup, you need to find a way to get back on your feet and throw it in the person's face that your fine, and that you're better off without him. Which is why your comeback was great. I mean it, every outfit you wore was chicer than the last. However, I think too much praise from the media about how you became a fashion icon for your edgy and fierce looks went to your head a little. Alas, your chic streak came to an end, and all of a sudden you were just trying too hard, and coming off as just a little desperate and a lot... revealing...

Here, we have the "I Want To Be Batman's Lover" look. Shortly after creating this costume outfit, Hoes R Us somehow found a way to convince Rihanna to model it for them.

P.S Use code HOEDOWNTHROWDOWN to get 15% off the outfit at www.prostitutionconstitution.com!

I see London. I see France. I can't even see Rihanna's underpants (or her bra, for that matter). I apologize, I'm old fashioned, it's just that I always believed that fashion involved actual clothing. It's my bad.

The dress looks a little tight (and short). But that's not what's bothering me, what's bothering me is that the black ducktape thing going on around the thigh area looks like it's choking her thighs. Fashion is pain, and pain is gain, but pain can also be ugly and leave stretchy marks, and ugly stretchy marks are not chic. Therefore Fashion is NOT pain.

Thanks for coming to my seminar, students.

Look, there's her bra! Isn't that a pleasant surprise?! You know, I've always thought Rihanna should show more of herself. She's always been too conservative, don't you think?

(The blazer is very very nice though. The fit is perfect)

Gagapoo

Lady Gaga, or should I say STEFANI GERMANOTTA. I know all about you. I know where you went to school, I know all about your drug problems. I know about your tendency to talk about your love for sex, everywhere you go. I know about how much you love the Muppets. I'm also fully aware that you think what you do is art. I know all these things because you talked about them all in interviews around the world (except for the need to mention sex thing, I figured that one out all on my own). What you failed to mention, however, is your admiration for Project Runway designer Chris March, the one who made his entire collection out of safety pins and human hair. I know what you're thinking: who told you?! But what you need to know, Stefani, is that I figured it out on my own (just like your sex addiction word vomit problem. I think maybe I'll take up detectiving from now on, I feel like I've got a gift.)

Lady GaGa. Stefani. Perez Hilton's Bitch. Whatever your name is, you need to know that this outfit is not okay. It's probably the reason that Chris March did not win Project Runway. It's also probably the reason why he doesn't have much friends, and has resorted to dressing drag queens.

So please, please, take it from me. If you really want to shock people and get a reaction out of them that could maybe make them question if the earth really is round, and if Heidi and Spencer really are the fame-whoring couple they seem to be, wear something normal. Something boring. Maybe even something pretty (Was that taking it too far? I'm sorry, I should have stuck with simple baby steps. Let's just focus on putting some pants on, and losing all the crazy and maybe toning down the Liza Minnelli from your outfits)

Anyway, thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood spiderwoman. (but you can just think of me as a concerned citizen)

Mischa Barton Lookin Good Bad.

Mischa Barton seems to be on a roller coaster ride of good and bad these days. Every look is a hit, but lurking between each hit, is a miss. Let's go from old to new:

Perfection, I believe.

Lindsay Lohan is that you wearing Samantha Ronson's hat? Wha.. No? But.. who else can it be?! Oh yeah that's right, the latest addition to I'm A Crackwhore Get Me Out Of Here. Well, I guess it's true what they say "You are what you eat (or snort)"

Gorgeous in Red. I love this look, it's so glam and she so doesn't look like she'd just been through.. a dental surgery :)

She looks like a madwoman here. The facial expression, those bangs, that black cutout paper thing she's wearing.

I fly like paper get high like planes

All I wanna do is *gun sounds*
And *more gun sounds*
And take your money :)

Wow, I think I found THE song!

So simple. So pretty. So elegant. And once again, so normal.

This reminds me of something, I just can't put my finger on it.. Oh thats right, she looks like one of Tim Burton's characters. But you know, if one of those characters were a celebrity who's mere existence sometimes made everyone really sad.

You all know who we need to thank for this, right?

Herve Leger, for making such flattering and gorgeous dresses.

And BCBG for bringing us Herve Leger.

And Max Azria for bringing us all of the above.

"Somebody ring the alarm! My Aunt Gertrude escaped the building!! She's wearing an unflattering black and white striped dress and it has these sleeves that she claims once made all the boys go wild. Oh and she's wearing Naturalizer shoes. She shouldn't be hard to miss, please look around!"

Dee's Emmy Coverage

As we all know, the Emmy's Red Carpet is usually home to the best dresses and the biggest fashion disasters. Lets go over the 2009 fashions and fashouts (you see what I did there?)

The Hot:

Leighton Meester in Bottega Veneta

January Jones in Atelier Versace

Chloe Sevigny in Izaac Mizrahi

The Extremely Far From Hot:

Sweetheart, I'm pretty sure the Hookers Have Class Convention is that way. Just turn around- No wait. No. I don't want to face what the back of that dress might look like. Okay, new plan: Walk backwards to the gate. Then, when you get there, turn around really quickly and run. Thanks, Hon.

I shudder. Why would Christina Applegate wear something that looks like it was stolen from Punjabi By Nature? Maybe it's to piss of the producers or whatever, because the show was canceled.

That 70's Show premiere? No. J-Lo Wannabe's Anonymous? No. The Red Carpet? Unfortunately.

Blake Lively, didn't your mother teach you to leave a little mystery? I mean, we can see your boobs. We can see your thighs. We can almost see your belly button. And we can see your back.

What's left?

Tale of Two Days

Wow. So instead of going over the fashion disasters of this week (because that would take too long), I am instead going over the fashion disasters of the past TWO DAYS. Ballsy, huh?

Looking at this, I am speechless. How dare she steal her Nana's quilt and make it into a dress! And who gave her the permission to kill Salem the Black Cat and use his skin as a trim!? Where is the shame?!

Miley, sweetheart... No :)
a) Only Beyonce can pull this look off, and even for her it took me alot of self-convincing to decide that it's okay. (oh, and she's 30-something and not a Disney star)
b) You look like a hooker. Fishnet stockings? Really?
c) Tell your mommy I said hi, and that I think she should give Dina Lohan a call. She'll know what I mean :)

Lauren: "Audrina, comeon, when life gives you lemons, you wear them to a Nanette Lepore fashion show. It's the lesson of life"
Audrina: "Oh.. I thought you were supposed to throw them back and scream I WANT CHOCOLATE"
Lauren: "Um.. no, thats oranges."

No, it's not the Corpse Bride. It's not Minnie Mouse on crack either, before you ask. It's the bride of Chucky.
Oh crap, no wait, I was just informed that it's Lady Gaga. Damn, how could I have missed that one.

Drew BarrymoreLESS

Lord, talk about fashion hell-no's. I am yet to see a picture of Drew Barrymore this year looking slightly acceptable.

"Hello, Drew? Yeah, the 80's called. They want their crap back. Oh, and Smurfette wants her legs back. And, um, while I'm at it, this Emo kid called me up too, and she wants to let you know she's suing you for stealing her hairstyle. Kay, thanks."

Maybe if the dress wasn't yellow. And maybe if the tips of her hair weren't BLACK. And maybe if she didn't look so damn happy dressed in something that looks like.. well.. that.

This is another one of those cases where the mother (a.k.a the shopper) adopts a beautiful child (a.k.a the material thang) and abuses it and forces it to hang out with it's ugly step-siblings (a.k.a that shirt and that hair)

It doesn't look that bad, right? I mean, yeah, there are those damn tips again. And yes, she's wearing Avril Lavigne's skirt (and her bracelet). But aside from that, she looks great. Really. I mean it. :)

Umm.. What? Why? As if the dress weren't enough, she had to wear Justin's shirt underneath too!? And then a patterned scarf? AND THEN SHE WORE COMBAT BOOTS? WHAT KIND OF FRE- Hey! The tips aren't there!

Not Chic Of The Week

My favorite thing to do after a long week of fashion disasters is to gather them all up and look at them over and over again until, finally, they don't look to bad. I'm finding it very hard to do so with the following:

Pretty Reckless indeed. When I first saw this picture, I laughed to myself thinking "That Taylor is so clever. Wearing a horrendous outfit to look Pretty Reckless." However, after much consideration, I have come to the conclusion that she is NOT wearing this outfit ironically. In fact, studies have led me to believe that she might actually like this outfit.

RoboCop. This is the Rihanna installment. It's the part of the movie AFTER Rihanna gets beaten down by Chris Brown. This is the part after she wakes up in the hospital with nothing but the memory of his face as he beat her that night. This is the part after she wore that dress, the feathery shoes, the spikey bracelet (to stick in his throat, naturally) and the glasses that resemble a fly's eyes (for better vision, duh.) This, fellow readers, is the part when Rihanna starts her mission to hunt Chris down.

Before the paparazzi intervened and made her go to some event.

Dang, talk about an unexpected ending.

Another unexpected twist to the Robocop storyline, Vicwhoria Beckham stole Rihanna's boots.

And then she stole Janice Dickinson's dress.

Lindsay is looking at the camera like "You wanna be me, dontcha? :) "

Yes, actually, I do.

I wanna be you so I can call up a proper stylist who doesn't dress me like I'm Elton John's daughter/son-with-cheap-extensions

"Hello? Pussycat Dolls? Can I PLEASE replace Carmit Bashar? I've got the whole outfit and everything! From the sheer top down to the tacky shoes! All I'm missing is the red hair, but if you guys want me to, I'll dye it!"

The Downfall of Taylor Momsen

Taylor Momsen, a teenager/actress/rockstar/"artist" is an unpredictable little minx. Over the period of two years she was able to go from the the innocent Hollywood newcomer :

To the starting-to-discover-cliched-fashion-trends-teenager :

To the rocker dude (shaggy 'do included, and emphasis on the "dude" part. Maybe it's the makeup. Maybe its the over-shadowed rapist eyes. Maybe it's the fact that ever since the rocker look was introduced, she just refused to smile and chose to glare like a 15 year old "mature" teenage girl that looks like a teenage boy with his/her hand in the cookie jar and no shame for it whatsoever) :

And finally her look of the moment is the "It's a hobo! It's some crack! No.. it's Courtney Love" look :